Sunday, November 9, 2008

Surprise! Heartbreak...Fear

With this pregnancy I will be 38 when the baby is due, so that entitles me to all sorts of extra doctor appointments. We went on Friday to do the Nuchal Fold measurement. At the beginning of the ultrasound the tech kept asking if we had any sort of ultrasound yet. Then she said "well I am seeing twins" at which point I had a stroke because holy cow.

Just as we are trying to get use to this idea, she told us she could find a heartbeat on one of the babies. We quickly went from freaking out about twins to praying for a heartbeat to appear. Which didn't happen. We really didn't take much of an opportunity to enjoy the twin who is ok.

Then the doctor came in to explain and answer questions. The twins appeared to be identical, so he is concerned about them sharing a placenta and the surviving baby having a decrease in blood pressure. This could lead to brain damage. At this point I just wanted them to shoot me. Of course we won't know anything until our next ultrasound in about 4 weeks. I know he is just giving us worst case scenarios, and he did say that this happens all the time and the other baby is born just fine. Now every time I feel a twinge I freak out.

Bud and I are just stunned. I feel so guilty for not immediately being happy about twins, I know intellectually that had no bearing on the whole thing but there it is. I know we should be happy that right now "baby A" looks good. We were only expecting one baby so why does it hurt so much to lose this baby we didn't know about? When I wrote about wanting another baby, I said that it feels like someone is missing. Now, I know there always will be a child missing.

And to top it off I have a wretched cold and I am still throwing up, so this has been an awesome weekend. Now I need to blow my nose again.