Owen is learning how to swim, even though he is nervous about the water he gets such a big smile on his face while he is paddling towards me, his joy in his accomplishment is undeniable. The other night he started crying when the movie he watched for a second time in three hours ended. When we asked what was wrong he said "sometimes when you watch a beautiful thing twice it makes you cry". He has been writing on every piece of paper he finds "I love my mom I love my Dad" then these pieces of paper find their way onto a dresser or counter or purse to surprise us later.
Maddie is learning how to skip, she runs from the kitchen to the living room and every other step she throws in a little hop and a huge smile. When she got home yesterday she bounded through the door ran through the house and started asking "where Owen?" She loves spending time with him, even though he torments her. When she asks her dad for something she lays her head on his lap with a smile to ask for it, where did she learn that? And when she asks for kisses she says "mama piss face, mama piss cheek".
Everyday is magical with them, how can I just say that's enough magic for me, I'm good for a lifetime. My husband says it doesn't matter how many kids we have I will feel the same. And he has a point....logically I can see it, but my heart just aches for another pregnancy. That first time you feel the baby kick, seeing their feet on the ultrasound, their old man face and scrunchy eyes when they are born, the ripply thighs and secret compartment neck folds. How does anyone stop?
When I think of Christmas thirty years from now, I feel another person there, it just feels like there is one more child waiting for us. Does that sound crazy? Anytime I mention a third child people act like I am crazy. They point out we have a boy and a girl, what more could we ask for, as if, because we have filled the gender slots we have nothing left to experience. Is it greedy to want more? Will our children suffer because we won't have as much money for them for college if we have another child?
My husband is happy with two. He compared the difference between two and three kids to the difference between buying ten acres and buying Kansas. However, he understands how much I would like another and is willing because he loves me. This makes me feel a lot of pressure, like I'm the only one making the decision.
Sometimes I see the wisdom in just two kids, especially when they are fighting with each other and Bud has class. If two drive me nuts does it make sense to have another? Also pumping at work....gahhhhhhh. Also having to lose the weight ago (ok still). But I think it is just cold feet because it is such a huge decision, and again, why am I allowed to make these life altering choices? Where are the grown-ups.
We have to have a sit down soon and make the final decision soon. I am a teacher and because of my AP classes both of my kids were born in May, after my AP kids take their exam and close enough to the end of the year that my maternity leave rolls right into summer. Then the babes were about 4 months before I went back to work. It worked well for both the other kids, but is it too much to have 3 May birthdays? Will this make people think we only like each other in August?
Oh, Internet tell me what to do. Like a magic eight ball!